Dearest and Most Esteemed Government of Israel:
I just wanted to write and let you know that I think you guys are doing a great job. No, really, I think that the decisions you’ve made lately have been fantastic. Starting with that Hamas leader’s assassination in Dubai- like, cool! Totally James Bond! Who cares if the assassination violated international law in approximately 79 different ways, and exacerbated tensions with the virtually all of the rest of the Middle East? And don’t worry about those middling countries like Great Britain and Australia, who for some reason seem not to be thrilled by the fact that the assassins used forged passports from their countries to carry out the hit. Weird, huh?
Anyway, shake it off, guys, who needs ‘em? After all, Israel’s all set in the Middle East, thanks to its close alliance with Turkey. Yes, there have been some tensions with Turkey lately, but Deputy Foreign Minister Danny Ayalon dealt with that issue quite nicely in his meeting with Turkey’s Ambassador Oguz Celikkol, aimed at addressing those tensions. “Note how there is an Israeli flag on the table and not a Turkish flag,” Ayalon told reporters, also drawing their attention to the fact that he had deliberately seated the Turkish dignitary in a lower seat. Ha! Wowee! Dan, man, that is what I call clever diplomacy. Tell ‘em who is boss! That’s just the way to mend a fraying friendship. I do have a suggestion, though: next time you meet with Celikkol- or any foreign dignitary, for that matter- maybe ask him to shine your shoes? Or, no, no, wait! How about this: Have him wear a clown hat. Although maybe you’ve already humiliated this Celikkol fellow enough that he won’t even want to meet again. Whatever. Muslims Shmuslims, right?
So, maybe things are strained with Turkey, and England and a few Arabs here and there, but no big deal: Israel’s all set in the world, thanks to its close alliance with the United States! I mean, Vice President Joe Biden just came for a visit to declare America’s unending support for Israel, right? Although, I thought I remembered his visit have some other purpose, also… Oh yeah, right, to promote the new round of US-backed peace negotiations with the, um, what are they called again? Palistilians? Paleontilians? Whatever. You know who I’m talking about: those guys whose land Israel has been, like, “occupying” for the last 43 years. Negotiations, shmegotiations, though, right? You guys did a fantastic job of signaling to the Vice President that you weren’t so interested in hearing what he had to say about Pallistoneans or “peace processes” by announcing the construction of 1,600 new housing units in East Jerusalem- which the Palestinians seem to think needs to be the capital of their future “state”- the day after Mr. Biden arrived! Brilliant strategy, guys, I mean, bravo. I don’t know that I would have thought of doing it myself, but I must say, good move! Why stop at humiliating Dubai and Turkey and Great Britain and the Palestanicons? Hey, Joe, here’s a clown hat for you too! Allies Shmallies!
Wow oh wow. I could go on for ages about all the things you guys are doing well. I mean, allowing Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman–truly a personal hero of mine: so smooth, and dignified, and tolerant–to make incendiary remarks to Syria? Great move. Bring it on, Bashar. And Bibi, declaring Hebron to be a national Jewish heritage site? What timing! What finesse!
Riots in Jerusalem are not enough to bring about a third intifada? Let’s see what other avenues Israel can explore to expedite the process! And the list goes on, but I’ll try to save some glowing praise for my next letter. Mostly, I just wanted to express how grateful I am that Israel has such prudent, pragmatic, peace-pursuing politicians at its helm. It really helps me sleep easy at night knowing that you guys are busy doing all that you can to ensure that the place I was born is becoming increasingly isolated from the world, and that my dream for peace is becoming ever more dream-like.
So, thanks, really.
Ever So Sincerely,